The Customer Complaint Form This short interlude is dedicated to all our fans in Royton. You know who you are (but won't admit it). It was another fine day in the offices of the C&D Detective Agency. Our resident detectives were having problems.... "Caitlyn", Dawn asked. "Why is that all we ever hear is "we don’t have that problem in England" when we have a problem in South Africa?" "Dawn, I am not 100% sure, maybe they don’t have that problem in England." "It’s very frustrating because we just keep on banging our heads against a wall because that problem that doesn’t happen in England happens in South Africa." "I know, I know. The only thing we can really do at this moment is withhold their sausage buttie ration until they listen." "Aaah… but not everybody has a sausage buttie habit so we cant do that." "Drat, that’s true too. Maybe we should put up one of those "We apologise for the interruption, transmission will resume when we have attended to the problem" signs all over their TV sets while they are watching reruns of the local inter-pub darts final on the telly." "Or we can say "This service has been cancelled because of leaves on the rails." " "That’s an idea, although that excuse gets used all the time by the railway guys, I am sure they have learnt to ignore it by now. We need to find a solution. Do you have a CCF handy?" "CCF? I thought those had been banned under the Kyoto Protocol because it makes holes in the ozone layer, and I am sure that the EU had a commission in Brussels going to pass regulations against it." "I think you mean CFC’s Dawn." "CFC? I thought we were supposed to submit a CCF?" "Hold it right there Dawn E. Twinn, you aren’t going to confuse me again by twisting my words. You do that all the time." "Me? Mois? I? Perish the thought. I am as innocent as a innocent person who is very innocent". Dawn said convincingly. "Yes you! Call Heather, tell her we need to send through a customer complaint form!" "Heatherrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!" Dawn bellowed "Ouch! my poor vynil ear! I bet we get calls from Upper, Middle and Lower Royton asking why you are bellowing so loud!" Heather came hurtling around the corner of the office and slipped on the carpet, scattering pieces of paper all over the office. "I’m here, I’m here!" she said breathlessy from the floor. "I was in the little Twinns room and came as fast as I could. Where is the emergency?" "Emergency? Yes, an emergency. Heather, we have run out of chocolate biscuits for my tea." Dawn said triumphantly. "Don’t listen to her Heather, all she does is think about tea and biscuits all day." "That’s not true, I also think about comics, pizza and going home early to read comics and drink tea and scoff biccies." "Well, that’s not why we hollered... er called for you Heather. We need you to open a CCF for us." "CCF? I am sure that the EU had a commission in Brussels going to pass regulations against those and they have been banned under the Kyoto Protocol because it makes holes in the ozone layer." "Where do the pair of you get your information? A Supaguy comic? I said CCF! Not CFC or MCL, CDC, FCC or BBC. I want a customer complaint form!" "Why didn’t you say so Cait? Things would go so much smoother around here if you explained what you wanted." "Huh? Now it’s my fault?" Caitlyn asked, getting more exasperated by the minute. "I think what I must do from now on is only send the pair of you emails, that’s the only way I can have a decent conversation going without getting confused." "Sorry Cait but I have you listed as a spam sender in my mailer, its all those motivational thingeys you keep on sending me." Dawn said. "And I haven’t been able to check my email for ages. I have forgotten my password." Heather explained. "Heather, your password is 12345. How could you forget that?" "They dont have that problem in England?" Dawn added. "I will go check my email immediately Cait, don’t go away." Heather dashed out of the office leaving Dawn and Caitlyn staring at the door. "That's it! I have had enough, I am going home." Caitlyn grabbed her bag, "I am going to sit down and read the latest copy of Dolly Detecting Monthly. I am not coming back in until you have gotten that CCF sent off. I don’t want to hear from anybody until we have a reference number." Caitlyn stormed out of the office, muttering to herself "Somedays I think I should have become one of those toilet roll holder dollies. It's much easier to deal with. 1 Bog roll around your legs and then you stand around looking decorative until they need you." "Caitlyn has left the building." Dawn said triumphantly in her best Elvis accent. "Now, what did I have to do? Send CFC’s to the CDC? or was it send the UK to the EU? Maybe Heather remembers, Cait is bound to have sent her an email. Heatherrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!! Where are youuuuuuuu????" © DR Walker. August 2008.