Tag: My Twinn

How many does it take to change a lightbulb?

I admit it, I am a sucker for a light bulb joke (as well as chickens crossing roads jokes and Doctor Doctor one liners). This post deals with light bulbs. If you are not a fan of jokes or light bulbs then please move onwards.  😀 

How many (insert name here) does it take to change a  light bulb? The C&D Detective Agency investigated this phenomena recently too. Click on the pic to read all about it. 

  1. How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
    One, to question whether one less light bulb would save a few extra rand so that a new merc can be bought for the management.
  2. How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
    Only one, but she has changed it into a frog.
  3. How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
    Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
  4. How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?
    Two, one to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production
  5. How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?
    Only one, but it can take upwards of 5 years to get it done
  6. How many real men does it take to change a light bulb?
    None. Real men aren’t afraid of the dark.
  7. How many real women does it take to change a light bulb?
    None. they all have real men around to change it for them.
  8. How many Jewish grandmothers does it take to change a light bulb?
    None. (“thats all right, I will just sit here in the dark and go blind”)
  9. How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?
    None, the light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution
  10. How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
    10000001. One to change the lightbulb and 10000000 to rebuild civilisation to the point where they need light bulbs again.
  11. How many nuclear scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
    Seven, one to install the new bulb and 6 to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10000 years.
  12. How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
    Three, but they are really one.
  13. How many Christian Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
    None, but it takes at least one to to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.
  14. How many Harvard students does it take to change a light bulb?
    Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.
  15. How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
    Five. One to hold the bulb and 4 to rotate the room around him.
  16. How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
    45. One to change the bulb and 44 to do the paperwork.
  17. How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
    I’ll have an estimate for you next week.
  18. How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
    One, but it takes 3 bulbs.
  19. How many CEO’s does it take to change a light bulb?
    None, that’s what the PA is there for, let her call maintenance and let them do it.
  20. How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
    None. If the government would just leave it alone it would screw itself.
  21. How many Zen Masters does it take to change a light bulb?
    A tree in a golden forest.
  22. How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
    Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness and the third to shoot the witness.
  23. How many African dictators does it take to change a light bulb?
    One. But he must first destroy the old one, including the fitting, the electrical utility, most of the infrastructure, then he must line his Swiss bank account with money which was to be used to buy new ones with, then have a civil war, destroy the economy, blame the West/colonialism/neighbouring countries and everybody else. By the time that has happened and the people are starving there is no electricity and everybody is using candles anyway.
  24. How many clarinet players does it take to change a light bulb?
    One. But he goes through many light bulbs before he finds the right one to change it with.
  25. How many Sergeants does it take to change a light bulb?
    Four. One to get the company assembled and ask who reported the bulb not working.
    One to give them an oppie because the bulb is not working.
    One to fill in the requisition at the QM (he can write and read see).
    One to order a corporal to see to it the bulb gets replaced.
  26. How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
    The entire team and they all get a semesters credit for it.
  27. How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
    Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist and one to bill it to the medical aid.
  28. How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
    None. It turned itself in.
  29. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
    How many can you afford?
  30. How many Romulans does it take to change a light bulb?
    151. One to change the bulb and 150 to self-destruct the ship in disgrace.
  31. How many Poor Richards Almanac does it take to change a light bulb?
    Many hands make light work.
  32. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? .
    ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?
    Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the lightbulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the lightbulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID lightbulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS…
  33. How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
    Only one. They don’t like to share in the limelight.
  34. How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to change a light bulb?
    10000 to give it a cultural revolution.
  35. How many Dada-ists does it take to change a light bulb?
    To get to the other side.
  36. How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
    Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle, and one to change the bulb.
  37. How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?
    Billions and billions.
  38. How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
    Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support and 4 to relate to the experience
  39. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
    Only one, but the bulb has to really want to change.
  40. How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
    Two. One to change the bulb and one to write a song about how good the old bulb was.
  41. How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
    Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools.
  42. How many mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
    1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed
    14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
    7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
    27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
    53 to flame the spell checkers
    41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames
    156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list
    109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to another list
    203 to demand that cross posting to other lists about changing light bulbs be stopped
    111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this mail list
    3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list
    306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty
    27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
    14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs
    33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add “Me Too.”
    12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
    19 to quote the “Me Too’s” to say, “Me Three.”
    4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
    48 to propose new change.lite.bulb newsgroup
    47 to say there is already an alt.light.bulb newsgroup
    143 to ask if anyone ever did change the lightbulb
    258 to check the math on this report to make sure all 1,331 people are fully involved in the process
    and finally 1 to post a question to the entire mail list subscriber group asking if a light bulb needs changing.
  43. How many kugels does it take to change a light bulb?
    Two, one to call the maid and one to get the diet soda’s
  44. How many first year engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?
    None, that’s a second year subject.
  45. How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
    100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only “This page intentionally left blank”, and 20% of the definitions are of the form “A …… consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks”.
  46. How many Church People does it take to change a light bulb?
    Charismatic: Only one. Hands are already in the air.
    Roman Catholics: None. They use candles.
    Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the light bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
    Presbyterians: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.
    Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much better they liked the old bulb.
    Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
    Unitarians: We chose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the light bulb. However, if you have found in your own journey that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
    Lutherans: None. Lutherans don’t believe in change.
    Methodists: A whole congregation. One to change the light bulb, and the rest of the congregation to be sure that he doesn’t backslide.
    Baptist: At least fifteen, One to change the light bulb, and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and also a casserole.
  47. How many co-dependents does it take to change a light bulb?
    None, don’t mind us we’ll just sit here in the dark.
  48. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
    Probably only one, but if she is in any doubt she knows she can always ask some friends to come round to her house and support her while she does it
    or…. 12.
    One to screw it in,
    one to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination,
    one to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination,
    one to suggest the whole “screwing” bit to be too “rape-like”,
    one to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic,
    one to blame men for not changing the bulb,
    one to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it,
    one to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs,
    one to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs,
    one to advocate that lightbulb changers should have wage parity with electricians,
    one to alert the media that women are now “out-lightbulbing” men,
    and one to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.
  49. How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
    Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
    Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
    Rottweiler: Make me.
    Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
    Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
    Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
    German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
    Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb!
    Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
    Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.
    Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
    Chihuahua: “We don’t need no stinking light bulb.”
    Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
  50. How many ESKOM employees does it take to change a light bulb?
    Who cares, there is no electricity to run a lightbulb with anyway
  51. How many software developers does it take to change a light bulb?
    None, its a hardware fault.
  52. How Many Members of Your Sign Does It Take to Change a Lightbulb?
    ARIES: Just one. Wanna make something of it?
    TAURUS: Well, I prefer natural light if at all possible. Are you absolutely positive that lightbulb is burned out? I hate to throw it away if it still might be useful.
    GEMINI: Probably one is best, because if there are more than one, they’ll get so wrapped up in talking to each other that they’ll forget all about the lightbulb.
    CANCER: Only one, but three therapists will be needed to help with the grieving process. OR: Only one, as long as his mommy holds his hand.
    LEO: Leos do not change their own lightbulbs. They find someone else to do it for them.
    VIRGO: 1.11111119873, give or take .00000000000013%.
    LIBRA: Well, I could do it, unless of course you’d prefer to do it, but you look sort of busy right now. What do you want to do?
    SCORPIO: One, from across the room, if they’ve learned their teleporting lessons well enough. OR, None, because Scorpios aren’t afraid of the dark.
    SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got the rest of our lives ahead of us and you’re worrying about a stupid light bulb?
    CAPRICORN: I don’t have time for these foolish jokes.
    AQUARIUS: Well, you see, energy is really matter and matter is really energy and light is a form of energy but the light bulb is matter.
    PISCES: What light bulb?

And so say all of us. That list was part of my original website and is still going strong unlike the light bulb.

DRW © 2010-2018. Recreated 01/05/2018

Updated: 04/12/2019 — 20:27

A Day at the Park

Autumn was here and the leaves were flying all over the place while the sun was making the occasional surprise visit and the wind was blowing like crazy. Poor Miss Emily dearly wanted to go to the park but unfortunately the powers that be had decreed that our park was in need of “Improvement” which was really another name for “politically correct”. 

Fortunately there was a brief break in the weather so I could take Miss Emily to try out the all new squeaky clean park with it’s fake grass. It is not an inspiring place, but then I grew up in a different era altogether. Miss Emily was wearing her new polka dot dress with Mary Janes, not really an intelligent choice for somebody with strange knees.

Neither Miss Emily or myself were quite sure what these were in aid of, but then I am not a toddler so would not really know. I guess that children would know, but I certainly don’t. Poor Miss Emily was struggling not to blow away, and of course the skirt of her new dress was not making things easier. However, she did have a woolly hat to keep her ears warm, but I was pretty certain that I would end up holding it at some point. 

The all new shiney jungle gym thing looked kind of exciting for a brief minute, but being of limited mobility meant that clambering would not happen, besides, Miss Emily was not too keen on her skirt blowing over her head.

The slide showed promise though

Is that it? not very exciting is it? I am afraid that the slide was a disappointment, gone was the much higher one that would have seen Miss Emily reach breakneck speed! 

“Miss Emily, where is your woolly hat?”

“It’s um… er… I don’t know?”

Her hat retrieved and now replaced with a scarf; Miss Emily decided to try the merry go round (or roundabout depending on where you came from). It was exciting because it actually moved, but I really had to be careful she didn’t decide to fly off into the distance while I was taking the pic. 

“Let’s go swing!” Miss Emily insisted.

“No, you can swing, I will watch.”

It was quite a battle to get Miss Emily into the seat. “Miss Emily, where is your scarf?”

“Um, er… I don’t know?”

Miss Emily swung until she was tired of swinging. “I need to rest. My tummy is upside down.”

There was this strange blue and yellow boingey thingey that she decided was perfect to sit on while she regained her pouty composure.

“This strange boingey thingey is fun, but it is making me feel boingey inside. I need to find somewhere to sit that doesn’t move please.”

I moved Miss Emily to the bench so that she could re-arrange her boingey tummy while I retrieved her scarf.

She waved at me and I could see she was about ready to go home. “Time to head off home Miss Emily?”

“Great idea, the wind is really messing with my hair and I think there is a spot on my dress.”

“Well spotted Miss Emily. come, let us go, I have your scarf and you have your hat so we are more or less all here.”

We made our way home, Miss Emily had had an interesting morning so far and I really wanted to see how her pics came out, and whether the special effects images were any good. The good ones I will post at her artistic images gallery.

Random Images

DRW © 2016-2018. Created 05/11/2016

Updated: 11/09/2018 — 14:40

Emily Meets Caitlyn

The day was overcast and Miss Emily gathered her goodies and went to sit outside and enjoy the falling leaves, fall over a few times and generally get attacked by various winged insects intent on trying to push her over.

“It is not easy having strange knees” she thought to herself as she sat down to watch somebody throwing a ball for their dog. “I wonder whether Courage will chase a ball if I threw it for him?” Courage the Cowardly Dog was away this morning chasing the mysterious Chicken from Outer Space, so Emily was all alone. She sat down on her piece of hessian and enjoyed the breeze. Suddenly a 23 inch Twinn popped out from under a tree.

“Good morning very tall pretty doll,” the Twinn said cheerfully. “My name is Caitlyn. What’s yours?”

“Good morning Caitlyn, my name is Emily, I am pleased to meet you. Do you live close by?”

“Yes, I live in the same flat, but I am stuck on a shelf and almost covered in dolls and toys and assorted strange figurines that populate our crowded space.”

“Oh yes, I am sorry, I never recognised you,  I do apologise. I am not always aware of what goes on around me.”

“Oh yes, that happens often, especially when you take a dive to the ground.”

“I did that just now, it was not  fun.”

“Well at least the landing was graceful,” Caitlyn chuckled. “I do a very fine dive to the ground too when the need takes me.”

“I didn’t do it deliberately. it was one of those spontaneous dolly moments.”

“Blame it on the wind I always say”.

“I never thought of that. It is kind of windy out here. I don’t even know why I came out today anyway.”

“Some days you just need to get out there and explore. The Twinns and I used to do a lot of that, but we are now officially on pension so getting out and about is a rare occasion.”

“Will you tell me about the Twinns and all their adventures when you have some time?”

“Sure, although it is easier to just head online and read about them for yourself. Next time the Bossman is at work we will climb onto the computer and I will show you the url.”

“Thank you, I do look forward to it. It does get lonely during the day, but now that we have met I am sure we will have lots to talk about.”

“You will be able to talk to Princess Skye and Dawn and Nicole too, and there is that strange Spanish girl who says nothing except “que?“. I think she may have landed on her head when she travelled. She is not very talkative and we did try teaching her English but it came out strange. Skye is trying very hard and the best she has managed so far is “Does these train flies to the airport station sideways?”

Emily laughed, it was good to have some new friends to talk to. “I do not know any Spanish I am afraid, but can always try my hand at German with a thick accent” 

“German with a thick accent?” Caitlyn asked.

“Yes, it is quite impressive. Let me see if I can remember how to do it…” Emily cleared her throat. “Bitte nicht mit dem Finger auf mich stoßen

“That is so cool! but what does it mean?”

“”Please don’t poke me with your finger” I think.”

“How do you know that stuff? who taught you German?”

“Google translate is my friend.” Emily laughed.

“Aaah you are pulling my leg and poking me with your finger.”

“No, I am hugging you and stopping you from blowing away. I am getting chilly, let us go inside and you can introduce me to the other girls.”

“Great idea, and I think there may be some raspberry colddrink in the fridge?”

“Raspberry colddrink?”

“Oh it is nasty stuff, when Twinns drink too much of it we loose all of our inhibitions and wear our knickers on our heads. Then we sing rowdy dolly songs till way past bedtime and pass out on the floor. It is very embarrassing.”

“Rowdy dolly songs? I don’t know any of those. I have a pouty face so I try to maintain some sort of decorum.”

“Oh yes, Sarah Willow was like that, but she was the biggest trickster around. She was the only Twinn that could chugalug 2 litres of Raspberry colddrink and stay on her feet. Then when we had all passed out she would go around tieing our shoelaces together.  It made for a lot of surprising morning gymnastics. “

Emily clapped her hands, “That sounds like fun. I am so glad that I met you Caitlyn, let’s grab my gear and go inside, I am not sure about raspberry colddrink, but I think there is some cider in the fridge: “Old smelly socks” or something like that”. 

“Old smelly socks? wow, can’t wait to try it. Let’s go!”

And so Emily and Caitlyn went inside where it was not as windy.

The big question I have is: “who drank all of my cider? and why is Caitlyn wearing her knickers on her head? So many questions…” 

DRW © 2016-2019. Created 20/10/2016. Moved to musings 24/08/2018

Updated: 16/07/2019 — 16:46
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