Military Urban Legends

MILITARY URBAN LEGENDS.

The army thrived on rumours, stories, exaggerations and urban legends, here are a few of my favourites.

One of the first I ever heard went like this..

A conscript was called up for national service. From the day he arrived he would pick up pieces of paper which he would read before throwing them away. He would then pick up the next piece and do the same.. that's all he did all day. The staff were worried, could it be that he was insane? after a quick consulation with the medical officer it was decided to give him a medical discharge. The admin officer called him over and handed him his discharge certificate. The guy took it and looked at it intently before waving it in the officers face... "Aha! thats the paper I was looking for"

At the height of the terrorist campaigns intelligence always marvelled at the terrs bad aim. No matter how far away the terrs always seemed to miss. One day they came across a terr and questioned him. It came out that the sights on their rifles were always set at 300 metres. When asked why he explained that back where he came from, it was thought that if you set the sights for 300m it meant you would kill 300 men.

There is a story about a new recruit who was told that when he arrived for his call-up for national service, he must look out for the guys with red bands around their hats and red armbands with MP on them. These were military porters and you just had to ask them and they would carry your bag for you.

It was alleged that if you encountered a pregnant woman while in uniform you had to salute her because she may have been carrying a future president.

The Sergeant major of the Army supposedly was very strict and a total sadist. It was rumoured that he was allowed to kill troops. It was said that he killed a troep because the troep had made a short sleeve shirt out of one of his browns shirts. Talk about damaging "weermag" property.

Army lore says that the candidate officer (or CO) is the lowest form of life in the military heirachy, and an illustration of this would be that the Commandant craps on the Major who shits on the Captain who in turn shouts at the Lieutenant who then moans at the CSM who comes down hard on the CPL who then fucks up the troop who kicks the dog who then bites the CO.

It was said that the army put "bluestone" in the coffee to suppress the libido of the troops. It also explained the awful taste and strange colour of army coffee. I never saw any proof of this at all and I was assured by every chef in the army that nothing like that happened. (It doesn't explain the taste or colour of the coffee though). However, one of my correspondents wrote and said... "I served 9 months in 1963 and can tell you with certainty that bluestone WAS in our tea and coffee during my 3 months at Oudtshoorn. We had tin mugs, and on one occasion when I drank my tea after it had cooled completely, there was a huge blue blue rock left in the bottom of my mug! Having done physical science at school I concluded that the tea was so saturated with bluestone (Condies crystals,. I think?) that it dissolved in the boiling liquid - but crystallised again when the tea cooled! I felt no hormonal stirrings at Oudtshoorn." (Thanks for that info David....)

Every week while on the border we had to take malaria pills, and each platoon would get it allocation and once you had taken the pills you had to sign in a register. Apparently if you did catch malaria they would then kla you aan. Rumour had it that the malaria pills would turn you yellow and that you wouldn't be able to catch a tan. It was a toss up between malaria and a skin cancer I guess.

Rank Has Its Limitations

General:
Leaps over tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water, and gives policy to God.

Colonel:
Leaps over short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, and talks to God.

Lieutenant Colonel:
Leaps over short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is as fast as a speeding b-b, walks on water in an indoor pool, and talks to God if special request is approved.

Major:
Barely clears Quonset huts, loses tug-of-war with locomotives, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, and is occasionally addressed by God.

Captain:
Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotives, can sometimes handle a weapon without inflicting self-injury, can doggie-paddle, and talks to animals.

First Lieutenant:
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed, and talks to water.

Second Lieutenant:
Falls over door sills when trying to enter buildings, says "look at the choo-choo," wets himself with a water pistol, and mumbles to himself.

An NCO:
Lifts building and then walks under them, kicks locomotives off the track, catches speeding bullets in his teeth (and chews them), and freezes water in a speeding glance. He IS God.

MILITARY TRIVIA.

The first German serviceman killed in the war was killed by the Japanese (China, 1937), the first American serviceman killed was killed by the Russians (Finland 1940), the highest ranking American killed was Lt. Gen. Lesley McNair, killed by the US Army Air Corps.
The youngest US serviceman was 12 year old Calvin Graham, USN. He was wounded and given a Dishonorable Discharge for lying about his age. (His benefits were later restored by act of Congress)
At the time of Pearl Harbor the top US Navy command was Called CINCUS (pronounced "sink us"), the shoulder patch of the US Army's 45th. Infantry division was the Swastika, and Hitler's private train was named "Amerika". All three were soon changed for PR purposes.
Generally speaking there was no such thing as an average fighter pilot. You were either an ace or a target. For instance Japanese ace Hiroyoshi Nishizawa shot down over 80 planes. He died while a passenger on a cargo plane.
It was a common practice on fighter planes to load every 5th round with a tracer round to aid in aiming. This was a mistake. Tracers had different ballistics so (at long range) if your tracers were hitting the target 80% of your rounds were missing. Worse yet tracers instantly told your enemy he was under fire and from which direction. Worst of all was the practice of loading a string of tracers at the end of the belt to tell you that you were out of ammo. This was definitely not something you wanted to tell the enemy. Units that stopped using tracers saw their success rate nearly double and their loss rate go down.
When allied armies reached the Rhine the first thing men did was pee in it. This was pretty universal from the lowest private to Winston Churchill (who made a big show of it) and Gen. Patton (who had himself photographed in the act).
German Me-264 bombers were capable of bombing New York City but it wasn't worth the effort.
German submarine U-120 was sunk by a malfunctioning toilet.
More US servicemen died in the Air Corps than the Marine Corps. While completing the required 30 missions your chance of being killed was 71%.
Among the first "Germans" captured at Normandy were several Koreans. They had been forced to fight for the Japanese Army until they were captured by the Russians and forced to fight for the Russian Army until they were captured by the Germans and forced to fight for the German Army until they were captured by the US Army.
Following a massive naval bombardment 35,000 US and Canadian troops stormed ashore at Kiska. 21 troops were killed in the firefight. It would have been worse if there had been any Japanese on the island.
Two U.S. Air Force F-15s shoot down two U.S. Army helicopters on a diplomatic mission over Iraq, mistaking them for hostile aircraft in the "no-fly zone," killing 26 people. No one was found criminally responsible.
While covering convoy PQ13, HMS Trinidad, a Royal Navy Cruiser had engaged German destroyers, hitting Z26, but had the very bad luck to be hit by one of her own torpedoes which had circled, she received temporary repairs in Murmansk, and sailed for home on 13th May 1942, carrying many survivors from the HMS Edinburgh which had been sunk in another epic battle.
A "siesta" ordered by Mexican General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna to his troops during a conflict between the Mexicans and Texans caused the infantry to be overtaken in just 18 minutes.
Fort Douaumont at Verdun in France was captured in 1916 by a single German soldier after French General Chretien forgot to pass on orders to defend the fort to the last man to his successor.
The Russians tried to wreak havoc on German Panzer divisions during the WWII by strapping bombs to the backs of dogs and teaching them to associate food with the underneath of their enemies' tanks. Unfortunately, the dogs only associated food with their own tanks and forced an entire Soviet division to retreat.
Probably the most famous mistake in U.S. military history occurred in the Civil War, when Confederate Gen. Stonewall Jackson was mistakenly shot by one of his own troops after the Confederate triumph at Chancellorsville.